Fill in the blank: “I’ll be truly happy when…”
Most of us have a wish or an ultimate goal that could be placed in that blank. We believe we’ll be happy once we have the right client, the right investor, the dream house, the promotion.
We are on a constant search, chasing the next goal and the next successful endeavor. Not just because our brains are simply programmed to do that, but also because we are bombarded with messages from family, friends, coaches, and gurus telling us that’s exactly what we should be doing. We should learn how to get rich fast, how to gain more clients, how to gain 10,000 followers, how to change our habits as fast as possible, how to make all our wishes come true, and how to manifest our desires.
Even when this race begins with noble intentions, like “wanting to become the best version of ourselves” or “wanting to eliminate our limiting beliefs so that we can convince ourselves that we can create our own reality and obtain anything we want”, the result is that we are constantly projected into the future, thinking that when we finally get what we want, we will be happy.
But guess what? That isn’t going to happen.
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All the things we are so sure will make us happy actually won’t.
- A higher salary. Studies show that people aren’t happier or more satisfied when they earn higher salaries. In fact, people’s predictions of the salary that will make them happy just change as their actual salary increases. At $50k, they believe that a $100k salary will make them happy, and at $100k, they think that a $250k salary will make them happy.
- Money. After a certain limit, which seems to be around $75k per year, more money doesn’t make you happier. This means that at the lower end of the economic spectrum, where people are covering basic needs and smaller wants, money can buy a little bit of happiness. But other than that, getting rich won’t make you happy. Even lottery winners go back to their baseline levels of happiness very quickly.
- Marriage. Studies show that after an “adjustment window” of two years at the most, married people go back to being as happy as they were before getting married (or worse if they have a difficult marriage).
- The car, the house of your dreams, and other material things. People simply get used to their possessions, and the new shiny objects just become the new normal. Even your dream house won’t make you happy for long.
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Research consistently shows that no matter what we achieve, our happiness will quickly go back to our baseline levels, and we will always want more. This process is called “hedonic adaptation” or “hedonic treadmill”.
Think about it. Did you become (and remain) the happiest person alive after you finally got that degree you always wanted, that job you worked so hard for, or after you married what you were so sure was the love of your life? Or did your happiness slowly go back to “the usual levels” when that huge goal became your new reality?
So, how can we ever be happy?
The first step is to understand that happiness doesn’t stem from external factors. The more we search for happiness outside ourselves, the more we make ourselves vulnerable to loss, insecurities, and setbacks.
Instead, we need to find an internal source of happiness that can be maintained even when external circumstances change.
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To use a popular metaphor, we need to be a thermostat, influencing and regulating the temperature around us, and not a thermometer, reflecting all the external changes.
But how can we do that?
- Stop searching. Once you realize that you can only truly find happiness within yourself, you’ll understand that you already have everything you need to be happy right now.
- Mindfulness. Focusing on the present moment, practicing kindness and gratitude, and fully savoring every moment are scientifically proven ways to increase your happiness significantly.
- Handling negative thoughts. Learning to handle the negative chatter inside your head is key, as is managing your fear of failure and generally working on your mindset.
It might take a while to figure it out, but as soon as we realize that we shouldn’t be “pursuing” happiness at all and that happiness was within us all along, we are half way there!
Because, as Wayne W. Dyer said,
“There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way”.
Listen to an audio version of this article below.
Voiced by the Author, Serena Fadlun.
Serena is an inventor, game designer and entrepreneur. She completed a BHSc in Psychology in Auckland, New Zealand and then returned to her home country (Italy) and worked as a translator for a few years.
In 2020 she became a mother and decided to follow her dream of becoming an inventor. After successfully licensing in the toy and game industry, she decided to bring one of her ideas to market on her own; The Bendy Butler. It will be available in June 2023.
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Header Image Credit: Елена Шпагина. Find it here.
