We are inundated with people who are considered influencers simply because they have a large following. In truth, we are all influencers with the ability to influence those around us.
We also have the ability to give our influence away, just as I did a few years back.
There was an interaction where my teenage daughter and I saw our roles a little differently. (Shocking, right?) Anyway, in a moment of parental brilliance, the cringeworthy words, “Because I said so.”, came out of my mouth. Instead of sparking action, it strengthened resistance. That’s when I got what my wife calls, ‘The Look’, on my face and raised my voice. Just as quickly, the look on my daughter’s face changed, telling me that she was done listening.
I gave away my influence.
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That momentary lapse caused me to spend the next 20 minutes simply starting the process of getting it back. I knew better and I blew it anyway. I made it harder than if I had simply chosen a better approach in the beginning.
The truth is, we have all given our influence away at times with our significant other, clients, colleagues, friends, or kids. These relationships consistently prove that going toe-to-toe never results in a real win. We may win a momentary skirmish by the strength of our position, but we certainly haven’t leveraged the power of influence for long-term gain. Occasional “wins” by the power of threat doesn’t influence anyone to think or act differently.
Start Here:
Depending upon how bad things are, we may need to apologize before we can calm the interaction and move forward. If things are in a rough place, that’s often a great place to start, because right now that other person is in a mental state that will not allow them to move forward. In our house, we call it Croc Brain.
Like crocodiles, we all have an instinctual response of fight or flight. What’s happening in our brains is an external event has gotten the amygdala and hypothalamus working together to prepare the body to fight or flee. They are simply trying to decide which one it’s going to be at this point. That is why, whether we are dealing with our child, co-worker, or someone else, getting in their face is about the least successful method of working toward a positive resolution. Once they are there, until we get them out of their Croc Brain, we have zero chance of connecting and influencing.
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Use These Strategies:
When navigating conflict, come alongside people, not at them. An aggressive face-to-face posture implies force and domination. Think about it: we face-off with our opponents, but we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our teammates. Coming alongside someone says, “We’re in this together.” For a boss, this may mean coming out from behind the desk. The reality is that while some issues may be non-negotiable, an alongside approach signals that we are partners in achieving a positive outcome.
Relate to the other person and find areas of connection. No matter how we categorize the type or status of relationship, we are in some form of relationship with everyone. Understanding this and finding areas of agreement can be a real game changer. It brings the other person to a place where they have the option of connecting rather than simply reacting. Identify with them and build a bridge that gets you both to a healthy place of connection and partnership.
Ruling by force is a farce, so we must avoid losing our tempers and sacrificing our integrity on the altar of our ego. A big part of this is knowing what is worth getting worked up over. If you don’t know, then anything can quickly get you riled, and you’ll default to force. But force is shortsighted, because it works like the fine print in contests that says you must be present to win. The only way you can have a pseudo ‘win’ with force is if you are present to exert it. Real power and effectiveness lie within the power of influence. This influence remains present, even when we are not.
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Ultimately, nothing surpasses leading by example. Few like to be managed. Most desire to be led, which is why we resist managers and follow leaders. There is inherent hope that is transferred when people observe true leadership. This includes listening more than talking, because when we do, the other party feels heard. When they feel heard they feel valued, and then they have the relationship capital to invest in the situation and share in the outcome.
The goal is to use our influence to create healthy, thriving, and productive relationships instead of giving our influence away along a trail of destruction. None of this means that we are meant to be pushovers. People aren’t positively influenced by pushovers any more than they are positively influenced by aggressors. It’s a lesson that requires daily learning, but one in which we can gain greater proficiency with each interaction.
Put it into Action:
- Who do you need to regain influence with?
- What strategies can you use to build positive influence?
- How could operating from a position of influence change your relationships?
Colby Richards is known as the “Master Overcomer” in his work coaching men to become better husbands and fathers and speaking to help others overcome life’s challenges. When he and his son were both diagnosed with a rare heart condition, he had a choice to make; let his diagnosis become a life sentence or go all-in achieving his potential and helping others do the same.
Colby’s powerful story of going from a 30-year career, then leaving it all to become an entrepreneur, is both inspiring and challenging. He is praised for his ability to engage the audience with a powerful blend of humor, empathy, insight, and the “what now” that audiences expect today. Discover why Colby’s approach to motivation, purpose, and work is exactly what you need right now.
Contact Information
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/colbygrichards/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/colby-richards-7a48874/
Email: colby@colbyrichards.com
Header Image Credit: Craig Adderley. Find it here.
